Billionaire mogul Throck Morton is stepping up the fight for alternative fuels. He is bringing his top engineers from Throck Morton Industries and Throck Morton Global Holdings together to tackle an international problem. While several companies have paid lip service to the idea of new fuels Throck Morton has pledge to put his vast fortune to work on the problem.

(Throck Morton)

“A lot of lobbyists were pushing for us to try coal or cotton…but I don’t have much cotton or coal sitting around my home,” stated Throck “But who doesn’t have a couple of Natural Light beers sitting in their refrigerator.” The company engineers are striving to perfect an engine that runs on a pure mix of barley and hops. Beer Expert Zane Gustinhousen added, “With beer as a main fuel source we might eventually run into a Friday fuel shortage or have to cut back public transportation in towns that have 25 cent keg beer night. We need to think through the economics of such a change.”

The United States government has continued to echo the need for “green” solutions as the price of oil continues to skyrocket. Rumors have circulated that OPEC is unhappy with Throck Morton’s move to change the fuel landscape.

Throck pointed out how several Universities had stopped letting their cheerleading squads traveling because of gas prices. “When we are done with our new engine,” exclaimed Throck “I’ll say ‘filler up with cold domestic brew because we got a game on!’ Now that’s innovation you can cheer for!”

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Billionaire land developer Throck Morton announced today the purchase of three major Scottish historic golf courses. All three had come into troubled financial times as the sport of golf hits a slump in tourism internationally.

Throck Morton Global Holdings plans to turn the golf mainstays in miniature golf courses. Throck stated, “We live in a hurried society. Nobody has time for seven hours to play one game. With putt putt you are in and out in thirty minutes.” The company has imported miles and miles of Astroturf to cover the fairways.

Scottish Greenkeeper Chalmers D. Macauley IV spoke on the issues, “I understand the need for profits and such ol’ chap but having a large dinosaur with a swinging tail on a golf course is pure insanity.”

Mr. Morton went on to say, “The first thing we are going to do is put in a snack bar! I mean none of these castles has a snack bar in it…what barbarians!”

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PONTIAC, Mich. – Rumors swelled from the Barack Obama campaign Monday that multi-billionaire real estate mogul Throck Morton might be added to the Vice Presidential short list. The tycoon best known for his jet setting ways and wild parties seems like a long shot to get the nod. He may however be exactly what the Democratic Party needs to pull in the Blue Collar working class voters who admire his trysts with supermodels and big screen vixens.

Political Consultant Remy VanShilper stated, “If the Democrats really want to get a Vice Presidential candidate with some pizzazz then Throck would be just what the doctor ordered. His deep pockets would definitely help the long winded campaign’s empty pockets. Plus who wouldn’t want to be at his Inauguration Party. I bet someone gets naked at that party.”

When contacted at his 10,000 acre ranch in Madagascar Throck Morton said, “I’m a flattered that my name is being tossed around but I’m not kidding myself…I mean who wants a V.P. who will get naked in the Lincoln Room with four stewardesses? I will however call the Biz Markie because he has got to be my in-White House DJ. I bet Bush doesn’t have that? The truth is the White House is kind small for me. You think they’d let me add on? First step would be adding a water slide. The slide may be the V.P. deal breaker. Just maybe. Yea baby!”

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Throck Morton Industries “executive retreat” mistaken for jungle tribe

How can an executive retreat make the news? When it’s hosted by the well known Throck Morton! This past weekend top executives from Throck Morton Industries and Throck Morton Global Holdings held their annual retreat in Brazil. The theme was “Primitive Corporate Tactics”.

Mr. Morton went on to say, “It was my idea to have the outing this year in the Amazon jungle. Sometimes the workforce needs to get in touch with their inner warrior. Maybe we partied a little too hard because all I remember is waking up covered in clay mud.”

Senior Vice President of European Operations Zeek Besteroosle said, “It started as a practical joke until Throck decided to divide the meetings into brown mud and red mud groups. The weather was so hot the cool clay was actually welcome at that point.”

The executive teams participated in such team building activities as “hut building” and “primitive weapon making”. The camp next door from Jones & Dallas Accounting Firm kept flying their helicopter over trying to steal the Morton camp’s beer. “The bows definitely scared them off” stated Throck.

We asked Throck if next year’s retreat would be held in the same area. “The mud was fun and all but man it’s hot and the bugs get in your teeth” claimed Throck, “There weren’t any dance clubs anywhere around either. Someone could make a fortune opening a strip mall and a strip joint around there. Next year we are going to Paris!”

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Throck Morton goes GREEN!

Throck Morton, one of the worlds’ richest men, has announced today he will be “jumping on the Go Green bandwagon and riding it to publicity town”.

Throck Morton Industries and Throck Morton Global Holdings are known more for their real estate holdings then their manufacturing. This year alone however Mr. Morton has expanded the scope of his operations.

Mr. Morton stated, “Helping the environment and stuff is always good. I run my fleet of jets about half as much as I use too. Well mostly because I broke up with that pop singer from Columbia so I don’t have to fly down there every weekend. She was a definite babe and worth the pollution. Yea!”

As a gesture of “Going Green” Throck will have his servants push his limousine the last mile to his jet hanger thereby saving endless gallons of gas. “Sometimes you got to give from the heart” Throck told us, “It’s about the future. I mean without a future we couldn’t have cheerleader…and who wants to live in a world without cheerleaders.”

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